The Nigerian email scammers are into real estate???

Ted and I are contemplating moving since our roomie is bailing, we can't find anyone to move in yet and we can't afford rent and utilities between just the two of us. Found this ad on craigslist and figured it was a foreclosure, but thought we'd look into it anyway...(actually can't find the original ad, looks like they changed it today, lowering the price and updating the features...)
$600 / 2br - nice house in excellent location (Highland Park )
The bathroom has marble and limestone, with all luxury home and linens provided, plus a full kitchen with new appliances, dishes and utensils. In addition, the interior is filled with high-end furnishings and luxury appointments.1.5 story, corner lot, near many collages, school, high school, freeway, restaurants, river, airport, mall of america,
I shot out an email inquiring about the place. We drove by it that night to see how big of a shit hole it was, turns out it's freaking adorable, great neighborhood, awesome lot. As previously mentioned, we figured it was a foreclosure especially after getting a closer look at the For Rent sign posted on the lamp post by the house that said it was available 1/1/09....
Then this evening I received the following email response from "Nancy Winifred".

Thanks for your email an interest in renting our home,we are small christian family Volunteer working for Unicef and we arrive West Africa Two days Ago in supporting long term needs for clean water in Kenya, Sudan, Mali, Liberia, Burkina Faso, Gambia, Benin, Republic, Nigeria and Ethiopia - providing the everyday needs of more than 389,500 people. Also Committed to mitigating the impact of HIV/AIDS, which kills more than 6,000 Africans everyday, we are supporting community garden programs for AIDS sufferers and their families

We need a clean responsible person that we can trust to take a proper care of the home at all time because we will be spending a long time around the world and also we we are renting it Permanently,All Utilities are included in the rent and Below is the rental application please fill it and get back to me ASAP if you are interested renting our home..

RENTAL APPLICATION

Pls let me get this answer.

1) Your Full Name:

2) Your Full Address & Phone Number:

3) How old are you?

4) Are you married?

5) Do you have a pet?

6) Do you have a car?

7)Occupation?

8) Our prefer method of payment? Western Union or Money Gram?

9) When do you intend moving in?

Looking forward to hear from you with all this details so that I can have it in my file incase of issuing the receipt for you and contacting you. Await your urgent reply so that we can discuss on how to get the document and the keys of the house to you. We are giving you all this base on trust and again i will want you to stick to your words, you know that, we do not see yet so please do not let us down with our property and God bless you more as you do this.

Regards.

N:B:please note this that you cant go inside the house because the keys are right here with us but feel free to go view the exterior of the house and upon approval the keys will be send to you.


Well maybe god's not going to bless me more as i do NOT do this but i'm gonna risk it.

what do you think? contact the better business bureau now, or play along with nancy for a bit?????

what i've learned from not smoking for 3 days

1- i smell really nice 98% of the time and my redeveloped sense of smell can appreciate it.

2-coffee tastes really good. i'm really motivated to start cooking again, if for nothing else than to taste what my food really does taste like to normal people.

3-almonds, cinnamon gum, bubble gum, coffee, lollipops, baby carrots, and pretzel sticks are priceless when you've got a craving.

4-nicorette only prolongs the torture.

5-driving in my car is probably the hardest thing to do without a cigarette. i don't leave my house without good sing-a-long music, like danzig 1, 2 or 3. keeps the mind and the mouth and the fingers (drumming the steering wheel) busy.

6-going for a walk is the best way to kill a craving, especially if the weather is nice. it's spring here and between the warm sun, fragrant flowers and clean spring air, i'm really fucking happy when i get home and the craving is gone-

poor as shit but still wants it all

I'm about to get super girly and materialistic all over your ass, so prepare yourself and remember i warned you-
i'm so in love with knickers right now! all i want to do is run around the world in black tights and fuzzy shorts, like these Prada fur shorts!

What really got me going is this pair that style goddess susie bubble wore during fashion week in ny:

I could totally make them but I can't find a large, detailed photo that let's me steal the pattern...
I am pretty proud of myself though. this winter has been fucking dastardly but i've cranked out so many knit goods. not that i'll probably ever wear any of it, gotta learn to check my gauge, but i'm cruising through my stash. maybe i'll muster up enough motivation to actually post images some day. I have one project for a co-worker to finish and then i might start my DawnoftheDead sweater for t.h. but after that, no more projects for a while. the sewing machine is calling and if i can find a lovely fur coat at the thrift store, i may strut into the bar very soon with my prada knock-off knicks on...you've been warned again-

The Best Page In The Universe

check this shit out:
http://maddox.xmission.com/
what a hoot!

Baby Steps

So last week I thought it would be a good idea to work off some bloat by attempting to learn the dance moves to beyonce's single ladies vid. besides failing miserably i also pulled something in my neck and my right side.
then I found this video...

it's ridic how similar the choreography is and SOOO much easier. i'm taking a teaching from gwen and then moving back on up to sasha fierce's level.
i love how much free time i have right now-

Thanks a lot God!

do you know what i would give to be on mercer st right now? a kidney, a good amount of plasma, my left pinky, and my first-born's first-born.
why can't marc open a store around here??? i need the goods!!!

that extra 10lbs, recap

This weekend was the best! It was my first holiday in almost a year, where I got paid for not going in to work. TH and I hosted Thanksgiving and cooked the fuck out of everything (in a good way). The days of preparation and planning totally paid off. TH and Penelope got to sleep in that morning while I slowly started my day.

We got crackin and listened to Splendid Table's Turkey Confidential (Lynne Rossetto Kasper is a hero of mine, she's gonna get a mini shrine in my kitchen someday). We were pretty stoked at how smooth things went.

Our guests were a little tardy so none of our nibblies got nibbled.

But it's probably a good thing, considering our fridge is jam-packed with leftovers. Cava, beaujolais nouveau, and pinot noir were drunk, bubbly was popped for dessert, irish coffees and Frangelico/Bailey's coffees were sipped and the whole thing was pretty fucking gorgeous.

I have decided that I have the greatest recipe for turkey, courtesey of Epicurious. And 101cookbooks has the greatest side recipes. Our own little vegetarian had plenty to nosh.

Of course, in hindsight I should not have had so much to drink, decide to then talk politics, and wind up calling my roomie and his friend lazy and stupid and also insult my boyfriend at the same time. yeesh!
Other than that, it was perfect. Thanks TH for being, once again, the best partner in crime a gal could ask for-

Part 2

I'm not a big fan of preppy clothes but I love me some plaid, whether it's buffalo, tartan, whathaveyou, I want it. Ralph Lauren (I'm sensing a pattern...) has this line that looks an awful lot like Abercrombie, but a wee bit cooler called Rugby. I found these, (insert omg):

Hot tamale! I need these on my arms! They're even on sale, $49.99. Yeah, I could probably make them on the cheap, but I'm feeling instant-gratification mode.

Worthless Xmas Wishes

A quick glance at my overstuffed apartment will assure anyone that I need nothing for xmas. That does not mean that I don't want stuff...even though the guilt is building with each new bauble I set envious eyes on. So i'm just going to list them off and vicariously wear/play/eat them.

Number one
Lauren by Ralph Lauren gold plated, Hematite link bracelet with pave crystals, $78 apparently at select Macy's and Bloomingdale's nationwide.

Pretty dreamy, yeah, but I'm not really into jewelry that costs more than $30 unless it's real.

Back to dreamin-

Put a ring on it

all i really want for xmas, besides the new ION usb converter box for turntables and cassette decks, is the new beyonce cd. SERIOUSLY! Stop trying to be a cool guy and admit, it's friggin fun as shit!


When the boys go out of town, my main mission will be to learn the dance moves to this song. i'm not even slightly kidding. who wants to dance-party at my place?

updates a-coming

yeah yeah, so it's been months since i've posted but no one reads this anymore anyway and my life has been insanely crazy! all is well now and witty posts will follow soon...
up next, photos from Ted-Fest 2008, the night we said good riddance to joe, and Turkeyfest (aka how to not get shit faced while spending 12+ hours in the kitchen).
xoxox
oh and danzig might make a guest blogspot...

Cougars unite!

last one

i'm hungry! someone bring me a tub of dq. i want softserve now!

o hai

this goes out to bf th because i heart him so much-

ps-can you tell i'm working from home today?

the estranged

these guys, oh these guys!
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=162906582
one of the best sets i've seen in a long time. so tight, so fucking good. unfortunately, in my humble opinion, the recording doesn't meet the same intensity that the live set did. but, buy their shit, go see them live, they're soemthing like a phenomena....

eh, oh, eh, oh

does anyone else remember showbiz pizza? as a kid that shit freaked me out. i hated giant puppet/robot/costumes. i had nightmares about Sweetums from the muppet show.



and although i'm still a pussy, i've gotten over imaginary creature terrors.
this video is amazing! if you're not going to watch it all the way through, at least watch up till the chorus and then skip ahead to 2:32. that segment cannot, CANNOT be skipped!

love in the club

worst day ever (and it's only 10:30am)

The Strangers
I suck today. i'm such a puss. i think i fell asleep around 4:30 am last night, cause the last time i remember looking at my clock it was around 4:25, and then my alarm went off at 5. i got 30 minutes of sleep. i feel like i've been snorting coke for a week and now i have to go to work while i'm coming down. and my face is puffy cause i was crying a lot last night.
it's all because of this stupid movie:

how can a movie do that to me? it shouldn't have even been that scary. i mean the idea of people you don't know wanting to terrorize and kill you is frightening, but it was just a bunch of jumpy scenes. but i couldn't sleep last night. my dog freaked out every time i was drifting asleep. that made it even worse. the girls that live downstairs weren't home, the bf wouldn't come over, so i was alone. alone and insanely terrified.
now i've had too much caffeine, and it's not even working except for making me twitch. then i left my house and the stairwell smelled like a tasty combo of burning hair and cat pee. i'm convinced there's a dead body in my basement, but there's no way in hell i'm going to go and see.
i got to work and tried to drop off a bunch of electronic junk for recycling (old laptop, printer, 2 cellphones and an ass load of batteries). however since i work in a corporate compound, after aimlessly wandering for 20 minutes i finally found the lot where the drop off was. i bolted for the door and set off some massive security alarm. i just kept walking. when i came back into the 'ranch' at another entrance, the security guard asked me if it was me that set off the alarm and then proceeded to scold, yes, literally scold me about security breeches. almost made me cry.
now i'm sitting in my cube, and i find out that we're moving locations on thursday and i'm completely separated from my group. yup, gonna be stuck in the middle of nowhere, away from all windows, surrounded by people i don't know.
kind of want to go home and lock myself in my bedroom for a month.
everyone sucks right now-

tasty morsel-

i've been a bad bunny. no blogging in forever!
here's a little treat though-

spinning right round

no time to blog, too much to do, buuuuuuuuuut since i just blew a shit ton of money on booze and food, i have niente to spend on clothes which is why i'm giving up my gem....
yoox.com is having a sample sale for the next 7 days. it's how i've amassed an entire rack of hot shit designer (REAL designer, none of that "french connection" "bcbg" bullshit that anyone can get). I'm talking moschino dresses, alexander mcqueen pants (which I'm wearing as we speak), helmut lang awesomeness, anything marc jacobs, even balenciaga! the list goes on. sizes are tight, usually 0-6 but 90% off, seriously. do it, for me. if you see something between a 2 and a 6 and it's fabulous, buy it for me, i'll get you back. and i wear a size 8-9 1/2 shoe, i can make it work-
oh yeah, they have dood clothes too!

lickity split

i hate posting blogs without pictures. it's like when you were a kid and you had to stop reading illustrated paperbacks and start reading "young adult" literature...yeah. but anyway it's been awhile if anyone cares. this past week has been a whirl-fucking-wind! started the new job, turns out my commute to the burbs is shorter than my <5 mile commute to my previous job. fantastic! you still couldn't pay me to live out there though-
took on a contract side project thing where i'm sewing. that was a mistake. the bankroll turned out to be worth it in the end however. my hands turned yellow from whatever shit was coating that fabric, that i turned into 22 foot panels ps- i didn't leave my house most of the weekend, and missed out on the first warm day of the year, buuuuut when it comes down to it, i'm just a whore for a buck. it does mean that i get to go out drinking tonight. yay!
my puppy has been amaaaaaayyyyyzing through all of this mess. i can't believe she hasn't eaten the couch yet. i've been a bad puppy mama and would totally deserve it.
argh, this is boring.
oh, fun stuff. so this is my first venture into the corporate world and i'm learning things the hard way as usual. the thing that totally blows my mind is how every dude looks the same. most of the ladies do too. i introduced myself to a handful of people this week that i apparently have already met...yeesh! gimme a break, you all wear chinos, polos and have flipped up hair in the front. it's like a semi-grown up frat house for christ's sake! i usually could care less but crapola do i feel like an outsider.
oh, another outsider situation today reminded me that i HATE co-ops. let me clarify, i hate co-op customers! stopped into my neighborhood one today and received the fucking dirtiest looks EVER! I'M SO GODDAMNED SORRY THAT I HAVE FABULOUS KNEE HIGH LEATHER BOOTS ON AND COLORFUL CLOTHES THAT WERE PROBABLY MADE BY 4 YEAR OLDS IN CHINA, but, at least i don't smell like a head shop and my hair doesn't look like a rat nest (today anyway). stupid hippies.
ok, it's a start right? gotta run or c-man will be sitting at the bar by himself and then i'm gonna hear about it-

Wanna get hitched?

so i accepted the job offer, which is exhilarating, but now i am madly racing through my work days trying to tie up all loose ends, make procedure sheets up the ass for whatever poor sap replaces me, and just plain spinning, while sick. it's fun. however, i was so freaking giddy about the new job, the new environment, the new prospective opportunities, and of course, the new paycheck, that in my optimistic little mind, i completely forgot that shit will go wrong. case in point, health care. the new job is freelance which means no benie-benefits. that's fine and all but i have type-1 diabetes!

oh shit! my prescriptions cost $800/month without insurance, there are no generic versions available, and I HAVE TO TAKE THEM TO SURVIVE! if i have to go to the doctor, which i'm supposed to every 4 months at least, it's gonna cost me $860 without insurance! sooooo, option one, sign up on a private insurance right? WRONG! i have a pre-existing condition and can not be covered. Hmmm, ok, well what about all of those state-sponsored programs right? WRONG! 1-I make to much to be covered on most of them, and the ones I could qualify for are bunk! you know why? because, i have a pre-existing condition, as previously stated, and i would have to pay the premium ($156-$250/month) for 6 months before they would cover any of my diabetes related expenses...yeah. so my only options are as follows: get a different job (as the insurance agent so bluntly emailed me), get a part-time job at starbucks (her idea also, apparently they give benefits to anyone), or sign up on a cobra plan through my current job. I guess that's what's going to happen even though it's about $500 a month... so unless anyone wants to marry me and share their health care, i might just start working the corner to come up with the extra $500 a month i need to literally, survive. if you see me in gold lame leggings and a mesh belly shirt, slip me a 5 spot, or something. puh-leeze!!!
the thing that sucks most of all, is the reason i went for this new job is because the pay would be fantastic and at my current job, if i had decided to stay, i would need to get another part time job just to pay the bills. now with my new fabulous job i'm going to have to do the same thing. it kind of feels like i'm just digging myself into this hole.
ps-europe is starting to look mighty fine...

HOLY CRAP BARF!

oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god....
i just got hired for a position i interviewed for last friday!!! the new life is actually going to happen! i'm in disbelief, i'm in shock, i want to do a shot of jag and sniff some blow of a hookers ass! well, not really, that's all behind me, maybe i'll just snort some pixie stix dust or something.
ohhhh babies, this is soooo fantastic! you have no idea! the past two days have been horrendous!!! mood swings, crazy fits, but now, oh now, all of that is in the past. my new place of employment even has a gym inside. i'm gonna be soo much hotter than i am already!
ok, i'm elated right now and need to stop, but for the record, you can start referring to me as MoneyBags. uh!

it's getting better all the time

things are starting to look up. interview for a get-out-of-jail job next friday, newly discovered health care options that will make life manageable, fixed the ol' sewing machine and actually am cranking shit out, annnnnnnd having a debauchery-filled bro down night with two of st paul's finest fellas-
the before shot:


I can't go into detail about what we did after this image was captured, but let's just say it involved a sketchily drawn out map with an expensive green watercolor pencil, a large cho-mo rusty van, cat-burglar discreetness, and a crazy getaway with exodus blasting out our eardrums...followed by a little down home time-

my hero:

How I feel today

team building exercise 99!

spring is in the air, which means leases are ending soon for most kids and if you've become involved with someone since last year, in the spirit of midwestern role-playing, the question of living situations for next year is probably rearing its ugly mug. in the midst of mad monthly hormonal chaos i even brought it up...
so, before you make that mistake and jump the shackin-up gun, check it-
the lovely firecrotched-firecracker eesh brought this highlarious video to my attention as a reminder of the horrors of co-habitating.

we've got all the time in the world to play grown-up-house- savor that space poodles-

my favorites!

I always think I learn my lesson after a week night of heavy drinking, but then I end up doing it again...Last night, PBR tallboys, shots of irish speed, packs of smokes, and staying out way past my bedtime with these crazy kids-

and my hot and sexy smokestack-




B turned into a ghost-


T.H. glows eerily on stage-


and that guy's shoe-

hunka hunka smokestack

ok, so the vid/sound quality suck, but i love these guys, especially the hot ass one in the middle (hands off bitches, he's mine)-
tonight, memory lanes, do it-

Oh Daphne!

this woman gives new meaning to the saying "you can never be too rich or too thin".

Seriously, fabulous all over, inside and out. And she's like 40 or something ridiculous like that, with babies! Oh why couldn't my grandparents have started an amazing beer company like hers did? Then I would be strutting around in more couture than I would know what to do with. Ahhh, to be the cream...

itchin'

so the sun has started to give off that end-of-the-depths-of-hell-winter glow. it's deceptive but it's worth it considering the hope that it's giving me. i burst outside this morning in my brand new burberry short coat (that i totally scored for $30, seriously, $30 for burberry...let's just say i know how to dig and swindle). but the second i hit the outside air, i shriveled up to the harsh reality that it's still fucking winter. but the seed has been planted and i can't wait for drunken bike rides (which colin just brought up in a conversation about spring scammin, look out bitches, he's on the prowl!) so, in the spirit of intoxicated wheelin, this is going to be my new best friend:

nooooo not the douche, the bag that's hidden under his shirt:
http://www.baronbob.com/beerbelly.htm

Doods! $34.95 is such a small price to pay for the ability to ride with both hands furiously gripping the bars, and think of this, for all those fucking bars that don't have patios, you can still get your drank on while sucking down a cancer stick-
it's so on!

why orgies aren't fun

T minus 3 hours and counting...

it's been a fucking long, treacherous, exhausting yet uneventful (to a certain extent) 2 1/2 weeks. this is what you get:
The Observers: Us Against the World
QOTSA: In My Head
Thirteenth Floor Elevators: You're Gonna Miss Me
Mark Lanegan: Nothin in the World Can Stop Me Worryin' Bout That Girl
Silver Jews: Inside the Golden Days of Missing You
Dandy Warhols: Sleep
Sonic Youth: Superstar
Magnetic Fields: Papa Was a Rodeo
Sun Kil Moon: Trucker's Atlas
Leonard Cohen: Take This Longing
Eels: World of Shit
Velvet Underground: I Love You (Demo)
James: Out To Get You
The Knife: NY Hotel
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds: Into My Arms
Bon Iver: Skinny Love
Neko Case: I Wish I Was the Moon
Love: Always See Your Face
The 6ths: Kissing Things
Flying Burrito Brothers: Six Days on the Road
Tourists: So Good To Be Back Home Again
Kinks: I Go to Sleep

Not bad eh? Welcome home smokestack- You've been missed like none other-

hot shit!

guess what? you'll never believe it...who's making a comeback?

for real! i had it bad for joey back in the day...i guess those gay-tarded dance moves were hot back then...

material girl jonesing

so maybe it's because i am almost finished crafting my winter coat (on the cusp of spring no less) but all i want to do is buy jackets!
this one has me streaking my jeans!

only problem is i doubt i'm gonna find it second-hand and the flippy i saw it in was charging 800 bones for it! 800!!
then i saw a black leather hoodie in nylon and i could have SWORN on linda mccartney's grave that it was by mulberry, but no luck in finding it anywhere (and it was also probably $5000). did find this one for doods by MJ himself:

but also $800 and not as cool as the one i originally scammed over.
unfortunately i won't get into my leather working class until next spring and by then i'll probably want a jacket made out of ostrich fetus feathers or something.
*sigh*

Happy VD!

this kid's adorable as shit, but she's gonna be shooting glitter out of her nose for months, fo sho-

even though i could give a shit about this holiday, i still miss my favorite thing...have fun in des moines tonight smokestack!
xoxo

funny ha ha!

Ohhh Jackie Moon, I can't wait to see you on the big screen!

buzzkill

In honor of today being the anniversary of one of my life-long love's passing, I bunkered down and watched Sylvia last night with a pile of snot rags and my cuddle puppy. I'm not a huge fan of hollywood biopics, and even though i knew very well how the film would end, that final scene wrecked me, WRECKED! t.h. called from LA just as the final credits were rolling and i was balling my eyeballs out, heaving with sobs. poor guy, he thought something was actually wrong. nope, just a crazy, hormone filled girlfriend who hasn't gotten any Teddy KBG love in too long.
then, just to put the final nail in the coffin for a wretched day, kelly-luv-bunny emails me this:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/08/AR2008020802903.html
if you see me at target in the film aisle, just know i'm ready to throw a punch to get the last of that shit-
PLRDS.COM
my heart is slowly mending-

fuck the weather, it was a good day

Ohhhh lucia, how i adore thee- seriously, that girl rocks! she did the most amazing shit to my hair, i'm completely reeling (it looks so much more ridiculously fabulous in person)! move over box colors, i'm sold on lucia!
i guess it was about the girliest day i've had in a long ass time. those specs on my head, they're marc jacobs, on clearance for 30 bones! for realll bitches! but it didn't stop there. did a little shoe shopping and scored these:

that's right. double dose of fuck-me shoes!
of course since i was on the prowl for lady biz i had to pick up some ooo-la-las for when t.h. returns, (not soon enough), but i'm just gonna let that one be a surprise.
ahh, now a little r-n-r before the rager that will start promptly at 10pm-
oh yeah, and i've been a knitting foool! finished that bitch of a black sweater and started another one, but since i lent t.h. my camera's memory card for his tour, i've got a 16mb pussy-shit one that holds a whopping 5 images-
uhh-yeah-

In honor of Super Tuesday...

http://www.kungfuelection.com

kung fu baby!

how to kill time at work with found objects

no more emo!

this is the last of the wayyyy too personal, sob sob entries. t.h. is off for 2 1/2 wks on a fun in the sun tour that is going to be fantastic for him! i was super nervous for some reason but fuck, when your boyfriend is as amazing and talented and insanely hot as t-bone, i guess it's only normal to feel that way. but after this week, my silly little head will not worry about anything...except for maybe those treacherous mountain drives in his future. seriously though, luckiest damn girl in the world, right here. ain't love grand?
good luck fellas! give em hell!

wasting

why am i always sitting around waiting?
this blog better perk up this weekend or i'm just gonna quit.

sour winter blues

when the risk gets increasingly greater than the reward
when you realize you're sinking into the depths you created
when the anxiety is no longer impending but overwhelming
when the veil of naivety is suddenly lifted
when the excitement of the future is no longer inclusive
when you should have known better all along
when it hits you that your worth is less than you thought
when you realize "nothing" applies to you too
when you wonder often, how it will end
when you prepare yourself for the shock and the blow
when your detachment begins in self defense
did you sabotage it from the start?

--anon--

Maybe it's that time of the month...

"The word love has by no means the same sense for both sexes, and this is one cause of the serious misunderstandings that divide them." Simone de Beauvoir

And the high for the weekend is a big fat goose egg!

so what do you do when you live in the fucking arctic and the high for the entire weekend is zero? well, if you're me, you become a domestic goddess.
between cooking,

sewing, knitting, drinking too much wine (alone), watching a wrestling documentary and too much figure skating, and re-evaluating my life in general, I think I left the house twice (liquor store run, crafty planet run).
t.h. is still going strong on the detox while I putzed out early in the running (day two to be exact), i'm being a supportive girlfriend and cooking my junk off for him. made a fabulous cabbage stew from 101cookbooks blog(sounds like old people nosh, and my house smelled like a retirement home, but damn gina, that shit tasted mah-velous!).

whipped up a penne/italian sausage/radicchio/pecorino bake last night that was a hit (as you can tell from the emptiness of the pan--)

frogged a sweater i enthusiastically finished a few weeks ago (made me look like a fridge box):

and started working on the winter coat from a Built-By-Wendy pattern that i bought back in october.

ps I'm a terrible sew-er. this whole project is terrifying! and I'm not the type that makes stuff exactly like the shit tells you to, so i doubled up the lining and quilted it, chanel-style,

(it's actually black, not euro-trash-silver) but now i'm not sure if it's actually going to work with the wool i bought...could be a very expensive fuck-up-
to distract myself, i started knitting from one of the bah-zillion knitting books i got for xmas only to realize that the chick had good intentions and brilliant ideas, but fuck, bitch can't write a pattern to save her life! seriously this is as far as i've gotten:

on this sweater (pardon the flash, someone needs to get me some god-damned photoshop)

i've ripped this shit up so many fucking times i'm about to shove that dildo of a size 19 circular needle into my eye and hope it comes out my ear so i can strangle myself with it!
looks simple right? chiggity check yo' self before you do it cause apparently you need to be a master knitter and just assume everything in order to pull that shit off. yeesh!
i did spruce up my forest of geraniums though. so if you want a plant come april, holla at your girl cause i'm gonna have more than i know what to do with-

all those glasses along the bottom shelf will be bloomin plants ready for pots soon, very soon.
managed to watch the self-destruction of the ultimate warrior last night. what a hoot! seriously, my bitches and I were HUUGE wwf fans back in our 11-year-old days in nodak. seeing all of this again brings back memories. sigh
i'll buck it up later though. i've got a copy of ratcatcher (one of the best movies of recent) and my new best friend:

Terenzi, Cesanese del Piglio. Almost better than sex...maybe not.
Managed to catch one of the biggest cheese-ball events on tv today, Fashion on Ice. the only redeeming thing about it was when some 'mo skated to billie jean in a bedazzled-to-fuck heatherette costume (ps richie rich is my dream-come-true hero. if only i could be so pretty all the fucking time! seriously, he must be made of angelic plastic. for real. and mr. cowboy, oh how i wish to the high heavens you weren't as gay as sin)
so it's been real. i guess i'm trying to start as much crap as i can before t.h. leaves for tour on the 2nd so i have something to keep busy with. all of the face-stuffing has probably been because of that too. i'll just have to fill my lonely nights with that cranberry infused vodka i've been eyeballing every time i go to surdyks, pilates, and this poor little scrap who has been neglected by mama this weekend

and my kitchen could use some tcb tlc
:
i'm off to visit the fawns-

like it was 1980...

i just can't help myself...i've been breaking my bacon over simon rex since i was like 12. (that colorful metaphor was for you t.h.)
the giant straw skating by the pile of coke is high-larious! wait for the alf cameos, radical radical radical! and yes i totes snaked this from missbehave because they're my heroes-

what?, no seriously, WHAT???

first, watch it--

ok, now when i was sweet-as-pie 15, last thing on my mind was having a baby. in fact, the last, LAST thing on my mind now-a-days is squeezing one out. not only that, but girlfriend claims to be having sex with three different dudes right now? she must just be a walking cesspool of herpa-gono-syphil-aids. nice, that means if one of those swimmers latches onto one of her bottom-of-the-gene-pool eggs and actually creates a tiny monster that she by some miracle manages to carry to term, that baby's gonna have an std before it even knows what hit him.
another thing, why is it that the people who should NOT be procreating their miserable genes, always seem to have seamless pregnancies. if there was a god, he would not allow that to happen. unless he has a really sordid sense of humor, and loathes what's become of earth and humans (which he should) and therefore is just fucking with us.
thanks a lot god.
ps i heart Missbehave Magazine!!!

this one's got a potty mouth

this guy doesn't really need an introduction, I.F.H. Mondays.

Is it sad when everyday of your life is like this, not just mondays?

deep breaths

so tomorrow starts my two-week detox. i'm trying not to think of all of the crap that i heart-to-death that i'll be giving up, and instead am looking at this on more of a metaphysical level: purging my body of years of toxins and things that will eventually cause my demise, and also getting that junk out of my head. i'm gonna detox the shit out of my procrastination, lethargy, and plain old laziness. haul out the yoga mats bitches, it's time to get olivia-newton-john-style physical. no more relying on my miraculous metabolism, it's time to break a sweat. on top of that, if you know me, you'll be shocked, but i'm giving up the booze too (except for organic red wine on weekends, that's basically mouthwash anyway). the smokes aren't taking a hike but a hiatus. by the end of the next two weeks expect to see a perkier, fitter me who has hopefully landed a new job (fingers, toes and butt cheeks crossed). but until then, you will probably find me on my throne...

wish me the buddha's luck- i've gotta finish "cleaning" out my fridge, aka-eating all of my temptation-junk-food and guzzling the rest of that svedka-

seriously, fashion is so f'd up!

so i was perusing one my favorite blogs today (fashionista) and came across this post:
http://fashionista.com/2008/01/post_755.php
doood! i hate to act like i'm so ahead of that shit, but seriously, i've been rocking satin blue nailpolish since mid fall when i saw it on philip lim's models' nails for his spring 08 runway show. and opi put the shit out a month before that. and suddenly chanel's color has a fucking wait list? who are these people? chanel nail polish costs 3x what opi does, and it dries the fuck out before you even get half way through a bottle. damn gina, i guess i'm gonna have to find a new color now-
maybe i'll just rock these from bijulesnyc.com